three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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