I just made out with a guy for $7.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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