It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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