if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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