woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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