Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
