My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
