Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
