you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
