I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
