how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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