my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
