I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
