I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
