Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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