I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
God, I missed his penis.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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