she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
