I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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