Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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