God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
