Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
