Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
