I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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