SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
