I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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