god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
