I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
