if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
