On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
