I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
