Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
