Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
