On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My brain says no but my pants say off.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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