White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
