Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
