We're like a lot better than the average bears
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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