We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
