Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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