He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I cockslap morals
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
