i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
