I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
