I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
