Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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