it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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