We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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