I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
