The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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