God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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