True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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