If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
